The reason why I decide to delve into the basics of Negotiation is that this particular discipline should be of interest to any professional Life Coach, as it implies some very interesting skills and abilities. Both Life Coaching and Negotiation require an immense capacity for self-control combined with intelligence, sensitivity, open-mindedness, rigorous preparation but also a strong ability to improvise. That's why a closer look at Negotiation could be interesting for anyone with a predisposition to Coaching or who does it professionally.

Bargaining, Mediation, Negotiation
Relationship Modalities

Bargaining, Mediation and Negotiation are some of the possible modes of relationship that can exist between two people in any sphere. We could say that they are placed on an ascending scale from the most basic to the best. Before bargaining, we find Blackmail, which undoubtedly deserves the lowest of the human relationship ladders since it is based on a repressive and imposing type of approach.

What these three modes have in common is only that they are all used in a relationship in which there is a common interest. Bargaining tends to take place in a buying and selling relationship and is aimed at the victory of one party over the other. Each of the parties involved thinks exclusively of its own benefit, without considering the needs of the other at all.

Mediation, on the other hand, involves the intervention of an impartial and neutral third party, capable of finding a peaceful and conciliatory resolution between the two parties. The fact that a third person has to intervene implies that the two parties are in no way able to build a bridge between them.

Negotiation, on the other hand, is exactly the creation of a bridge between two parties, in which each party must build 50% of the bridge to achieve 100% of the result. What is unique about this challenging form of relationship is that the ultimate goal is the elimination of any possibility of confrontation, instead creating an interesting collaboration between the parties. Hence, what in the previous types of relationships would be referred to as our opponent or counterpart, in Negotiation becomes our interlocutor, companion, partner and friend.
Our companion, within a successful Negotiation, will have the feeling of having built only 10% or 20% of the bridge, leaving all the hard work to us. The task of a good negotiator is to make the partner feel that he/she has made less effort than expected to achieve a satisfactory result. What Negotiation allows is to create new possibilities by combining the needs of the parties in order to achieve a positive outcome for both.

Other approaches that often risk being applied outside of Negotiation are marginalising, divisive and humiliating. Within Negotiation, on the other hand, we can apply the following approaches: encouraging, pandering, inclusive, inviting and rewarding. Within human life, both negative and positive experiences can be helpful, as long as the former do not leave obvious traumas and open accounts. In that case, within the Negotiation, the negotiator will have to come prepared and know what kind of person he/she is dealing with and what desires, capabilities and conditioning move him/her.

Negotiation, unlike the other two modalities, is the only one that makes it possible to broaden one's perception, refining it even to the analysis of what is the basic emotion of the person next to us and with whom we are building a common goal. This allows us not only to reformulate our Negotiation plan should there be a change linked to our interlocutor's emotionality, but also to welcome his or her emotion, letting it vent, so that a minimum level of balance and serenity can be restored in order to proceed to the achievement of the agreed objective.

As can be guessed, the definition of friendship is not far-fetched, because several characteristics of friendship can be identified in Negotiation, which tends to eliminate all opposition and instead nurture esteem, trust, and the desire not to harm the other.

Negotiation as an art of everyday, personal and professional communication.

The art of Negotiation should be practised daily in every sphere of our lives, from professional to personal. Learning to communicate without getting caught up in too hasty judgements about ourselves or others, trying to recognise the priorities of the other person as being of fundamental importance to us as well, are some of the characteristics of this type of communication.
The ability to accept the feelings of those in front of us, without putting up walls, and only as a result of this empathy make our requests, can help us to obtain what we want in a simpler and more satisfying way. In the professional sphere, it can lead us to avoid unnecessary overtime or an exaggerated workload, or it can help us get a raise or a better working environment. In the personal sphere, it can help us improve our relationships, first of all with the core group and then also with people outside it.

Almost always within our daily communications we find ourselves with our interlocutor having some common interests, some conflicting. This implies that disagreements and contrasts may arise that can be resolved through Negotiation by identifying a mutually acceptable compromise idea.
The first thing to learn when deciding to improve one's level of communication may surprise most people, because it does not have to do with increasing one's dialectic ability, the amount of vocabulary known or technical terms, but rather with refining one's ability to listen and empathise with people in a completely spontaneous and natural way. This will enable us to achieve generative communication, i.e. a dialogue that creates new, more positive realities for both of us.
Negotiation also encourages us to claim our right to ask for what we think is right for us and this implies that upstream we have developed the ability to choose through discernment. Using free will through recognition of right and wrong and being able to engage in dialogue to get what you want without inflicting harm is what we will learn in this Private Class of Negotiation.

The Art of Negotiation, Tools, Timing, Modalities and Stages

Like any art, Negotiation requires certain tools to be best expressed: it goes through stages of evolution to achieve the result, it uses different modalities, and it is accomplished in a time.
One of the first tools I wish to emphasise stems from a very simple principle that resides in human nature. Generally speaking, people do not trust or are afraid of what they do not know and much prefer to interact with what is familiar or within their comfort zone, so using the tool of mirroring could be a winning move to break through the wall of mistrust and be able to start an open dialogue aimed at achieving a common goal.

Still related to creating empathic and calm communication, there are other tools related this time to the Tone of Voice.
We can in fact modulate our voice according to the emotional state of our companion to achieve the desired result.
Our basic voice should always be sympathetic and positive. It demonstrates our accommodating, relaxed and welcoming emotional state and makes the person we are addressing feel that way too. When it happens that our respectable friend experiences a moment of discomfort, tension or even anger, then it will be time to bring out our Midnight DJ voice* which will be characterised by a low, calm and slow tone of voice. It should also be used selectively to emphasise certain relevant concepts.
The voice that we should instead use only if strictly necessary is the one with a harsh and uncompromising tone, useful only if it will be impossible to fall otherwise within the tracks drawn by our Negotiation plan.

Another fundamental tool, is that of active listening, committed to reading between the lines of our partner's communication, concentrating completely on what he is saying to us, without distracting ourselves by already thinking about the next move to be made. Another ally in making our interlocutor feel understood and listened to will be the dilation of Time through an evident slowing down in reaching an agreement. Slowing down facilitates in our interlocutor the feeling of being really listened to.
People like to be in control.
The good negotiator makes the partner believe that he or she has full control over everything. This is done by using the tool of open, calibrated questions. These are questions that only ever begin with "how" or "what" and never with "why" so that our interlocutor cannot in any way feel under attack.
Another fundamentally important tool is the preparation that takes place before the meeting and which must be absolutely thorough, taking into account the partner's characteristics as far as possible.
Finally, the most important tool that must be trained and built up before the negotiation is the negotiator's elasticity. In fact, only if one is ready and responsive to any change taking place in our interlocutor, will we be able to manage the situation without losing sight of the common goal. Closely linked to this is creativity, a necessary and fundamental element in the capable negotiator.

* The midnight DJ voice is an interesting insight by Chris Voss, from the book "Never Split the difference".

Types of Negotiation and the Human Factor.